Welcom3 To My Lif3

All along i thought i am a good friend to others…
A friend who can rely on, and trust…

But i just realize how realistic i sometime can be or i sometime take advantages on friends…
She told me some incident that i did not remember…

Before we get together…we are just normal friend, sometime hang out with other friend together, sometime share some info in music or food…
She told me that last year during JRK4…i asked her and her friends to come, but they were not sure if they can make it, but she just bought 2 tickets from me, but i did not gave her the tickets she told me, and i don’t remember why…until the day of the event, she can’t make it because of work (if not mistaken) and the following day when we met at work, i did not refund her…WTF!!!!! I did not remember any of this, how could i??

And during the days where “ghost” was still here, we use to be close, shared a lot of prob, joke around etc etc…even we just known each other few months, but i somehow treat “ghost” as a really close friend…
But after “ghost” left, i was told with a lot of secrets about “ghost”…”ghost” was a spy, 2 headed snake, actor, etc etc…i dun even know…maybe because of my attitude, i normally don’t ask or busy body about things that are non of my business, i just do my job, as long as i don’t hear there’s anything or anyone trying to sabotage me or what so ever, i just do my job…so because of the way i am, i’ve become a person who does not know how to prevent, i just trust ppl…if u named it nice you called it innocent, to be straight forward, i am just plain stupid!!!
I only know “ghost” for couple of months, but i’ve known her for 2 years…
There’s one time i prepare some left over dessert for staff meal…so she asked me to reserved a bowl for her…
But somehow i did not, rather i took a bowl of it and went looking for “ghost” i went to the cafe and asked her where is “ghost”…
She thought i reserved that for her but when she heard me asking that, she was disappointed…not because i was personally sending the dessert to “ghost” but was disappointed because i did not reserved a bowl a side for her…that time she told herself that i am a friend who can’t rely on and i’m just a fake friend, only to be said with word a “FRIEND” but not a truthful one…she hated me after that incident…

After i heard about these, again i hate myself to death…
I’m disappointed about myself…
I’m not going to brag about wat else i feel about myself i guess u guys know, cause i’ve been bragging the same thing…
I am lucky to have her, she’s always hornest…even it hurts but i rather want her to tell me all these so that i can change…
But i can’t forgive myself that i treated her this way before…and i dun even remember…shame…what a shame to be me…
As mady said…”it’s suck to be me…”
So to all my friends out there, this use to be me…if u all start to doubt about me, i won’t blame u all…but if u all gave me a chance…i’m really thankful…

P/s : God, pls throw a thunder and fry me if i did all these again…

This year’s Chinese New Year was a enjoyable one, I started my week heavenly, i was away from the city and relaxing in a small town which had beach nearby…until i met the fortune teller, i was stunted and blank…i’m pull myself back together after a day or 2…what ever the fortune teller told me, i will take it as guide lines and try to be positive all the time…but more shits happen when i’m back in KL…second day of work i pissed her up…then today again i pissed her up…

Things that run through my head last 2 days :
“How come i can be this stupid? But wat i intent was just to show some care n love…but loving n caring is not easy,i don show tat i care n love,i seldom buy things back for anyone or i seldom show initiative,mayb they think i don care tat’s why i always get all the blame n nagging,my sis is always the best in them n even my lil bro is not as good as my sis but i feel tat i’m the worst of them all,i’m always the odd one,doin things tat differ myself to others,i’m the one who started goin runaway from home,i’m the one who started goin out late n goin back early in the morning or didn’t turn up even,i’m the one who got the most pierce,i’m the one who had different hair style n dressing last but not least i’m the one who interact the least… Because of tat,i don understand how they think or will think,when i think of doin something to show my care n love,i just do n did not think of other consequences n end up chaos n creating misunderstanding… Can’t keep up the count of the misunderstanding tat i’ve created,i’m just plain stupid in this subject,sometimes i feel tat i’m a trouble maker…sometimes i just feel like slapping myself…”

Things that are running in my head today :
“Now i’ve been realizing how stupid i can be…’really stupid’ this is the 25th year i’m living my life n the 4th relationship i’m having, yet my life experience couldn’t beat those who are younger than me…i hate myself every time i did all these stupid mistakes,mistakes tat i shouldn’t been doin things tat i should know…it seems i ain’t matured enough at all…how much dumber can i be?? Most of the time i show confidence n ego in my look..those who dono me feels tat i’m cocky…but now how can i show these confidence n ego when i realize i’m dumber then a 12 years old?it’s not good to think negative but it’s not easy to act like it’s ok,cause I feel ashame of myself…”

I’m sick of myself, how many times i’ve apologize…how many times i’ve been feeling regret for doin those mistakes…but yet i still do stupid things that make ppl fed up…i easily offend ppl with what i said…maybe my brain weight 2gm…sigh…i find myself very childish…i feel like locking myself away from harming ppl around me…

Time passed so fast u don’t even feel it…now it’s already another new chapter of life again…I was cleaning up and arranging things in my room and Jiro drop by after finishing work at 12am…he chill in my room and looking through photos which were during school days…sigh…we miss those time sooooo much…things has change, now everyone are busy with their career…and recently…

I’ve been busy and lazy for the past few weeks…I’m lazy to do more house chores after work…but during offday i still stay back home whole day doing it…

I’ve been depressed, been happy, been hating myself for doing stupid mistakes…been guilty to be selfish..Guilty for not helping much around the house guilty to let my sis and parents do most of the work…sigh…

I sometimes really hate myself till the extend I would think why do I exist in this world…I’ve been crying more then i use to, especially when i think about the mistake i did…

I was reading Moon’s blog and I feel guilty again…that he has to bear everything for the band, I wish I could help me but I can’t for now, I got work, and my house is not done cleaning up…I feel really really really sorry for Moon and I hope that he forgive me…

I did not do well in year 2008, a lot of things happen…and I’m not enjoyinig all that…I hope there are better hope in 2009…i shall go now cause my eyes are closing…

Have been quite sometime i last update, well, i was too busy and too lazy to update my blog…today there were some new stuff i encounter, so i’m updating my blog now…

But first of all, i wanna talk about my work, my CDP no longer with us since last week, his reason was he can’t focus…now we are back like normal, working like mad fellows…short of staff again…sigh…

For those who told me before that ppl won’t take me serious, i would like to say, sorry…ppl DO take my seriously…last 2 weeks, my chef went on leave for 6 days leaving me in charge cause that time our CDP was still new so my chef put me in charge, and there were functions on, 30 pax function and i did not screw up!! Else then that, it was my first time making appl crumble and ppl like it!! I had one half insert balance, sold it for special dessert, now left only 3 portion ^^

MY Apple Crumble…

Ok, now back to topic…today we had 2 functions, 15pax take away and 30 pac cocktail…in the same time lunch service was not bad, first of all we are short of staff, then, we were standing by things for function in the same time there are orders…we manage to get it done and there were no complaints…so i was busy the whole day, doin my mis en plus…so i did not had a proper meal the whole day…after work i went to bangsar with my firend…

I can’t remember the last time i went to bangsar at night…so it was kinda my first time going there to eat, so we stopped at Sri Nirwana Maju, (Mamak stall) the special thing about this place is, they don’t serve with plates, the serve with banana leaves…and the sauce they serve for Roti and tosai were generously cool!!!

Every food serve on banana leaves!!

Sauce they serve for rotis!!

After my late dinner, we went for desserts in Mangoo Mania, they serve homemade yogurt ice cream, and also other main courses or appetizer, most of the things they sell there are all related to mango…check out the cute thing…

Mango Mania

The cute fellow!!

Want some??!!

Come get me!!!

Last but not least……

*Ta Da* Finish in 5 mins!! Buuuuurp!!

Ok, that’s all for today, i’m really tired and i’m really sleepy now…ciao…

Recently i have a thought about revolution now about love, relationships…

I somehow realize that girls now are so realistic, too realistic sometimes, maybe there’s no more "You jump, I jump" or "I will wait you forever" or even "I will love you no matter what" etc etc…to me now is about "Assets" you got assets they will want to be with you if you don’t have assets don’t even think about having her as your GF…

Maybe is just me or this is really happening, how many percent of girls in this realistic world you think there are girls that really want to be with you because of how they felt when being with you, no matter how much hard time they have to get through to be with you???

Other then that i also have another thought in this relationship thing…last time i use to be a person that follow "feelings" to go after a girl even i don’t know much about that girl, as long as i have that weird feeling and i’m interested to that girl, i will miss her when i don’t see her…i will go after her…

But now…suddenly i have a thought, feelings is just part from your soul or from your heart or your body senses…and feelings is something that can fade…how many ppl in this world get together because of "feelings"?? how many of them survive till the end???
Love can be achieve without having the feeling first, it can happen when being with a person you felt comfortable, you can talk anything to, you can share happy and unhappy stuff etc etc…spending time together knowing each other then if feelings are develop then see if you guys wanna get together a not…or even if there’s no "feelings" develop but you thought of being with that person then i think is actually ok to be together right?? hmm…actually i’m kinda confuse about what i am saying…
but my point is…we don’t need to have that "special" feelings to be together with a person you like right? even is just you felt comfortable and wanted to be with that person, you also can be with that person right? but wait a minute…isn’t that related on how you feel? @_@??

*Fact : Feeling = how you felt = you feel like

Damn i’m really confuse now…anyway drop me a comment if you guys have any…